hi! so um. i don't know if this is a good idea to post here, but i have just had a lot on my mind today and i wanted to write out my thoughts.
so, i've recently spent some time on discord after receiving a frq on friday. it was some guy from spacehey that i ended up having to block bc he turned out to be a weirdo, but... anyways.
today i made the decision to just update my profile and look through old messages, right? it was just for fun, really. most of the texts i read were between me and people i was friends with on spacehey that kinda disappeared after a while, lol. (i miss them fr, they were very cool.. </3)
then i made the strange decision to read back messages from my past relationship. i guess i was just curious to see how i would react to them. i didn't cry my eyes out or anything, but i wasn't expecting to. instead, i chuckled at some messages, and simply thought back on those times.
but now, i feel like a loser. aren't i supposed to be completely detached from that relationship? i don't know, but i guess i felt that we had been broken up long enough that reading through past texts wouldn't bother me so much. aaah, i was very wrong.. 𖦹 ´ ᯅ ` 𖦹
i know it was my decision to separate, but sometimes i miss that bond. and with those feelings comes embarrassment. i feel like it's selfish for me to even want it back. i knew then that completely cutting contact was the only way to move on. we could not be friends, and that was okay. it hurt, but it had to be done.
i just wish my heart didn't feel so heavy now.
but oh well. i'm sorry for writing a post like this directly after my last one. i'll try to write something more lighthearted very soon, pinky promise! i honestly considered just writing this in my diary, but i guess i just wanted someone to talk to.
the truth is, the internet is the only space i feel comfortable being myself in besides my house, lol. you guys are the kindest and most supportive online friends i have ever had, and i appreciate you so much. despite the chaos and struggles of life, you always make the effort to jump online and interact with me. i'm so lucky to have you guys in my life, and i hope to stay in touch with you for a long time. i love you guysssaaahhhh <333
- nara ❤︎
5 comments:
hiii nara!! first of all, you are NOT a loser for feeling that way. feelings don't run on a schedule and there's no rule that says you have to be completely detached by now. missing the bond makes total sense. that's not selfishness, that's just your heart remembering something that once felt really safe and warm. healing isn't a straight line and all that!! you're doing just fine :] <3
also please don't apologize for posting this!! this is YOUR space and we love all versions of you, not just the lighthearted ones. you said we make you feel comfortable and honestly that goes both ways bcuz you're genuinely one of the kindest people here and we're lucky to have you around :D rest well and remember we're always rooting for you!! luv yaaa!! <3
(also the rilakkuma and korilakkuma pic is SO ADORABLE. tiny babies :,3)
I'M CRYINGGGG i didn’t notice kiiroitori in the pic BAHAHAHHAHAH
aww, thank u so much koi. that makes me feel a whole lot better. you’re completely right, my feelings are mine and do not defy any rules. i guess i just felt that i was supposed to have just pushed everything aside by now, but that is quite hard to do when the memories span an entire year of my life.
i wanna also say thank u for always being here for me. i try not to bring up personal feelings and such too often, but i admit that writing out my thoughts and feelings truly helps. and u guys always lift up my mood! i truly appreciate it, with all my heart.
(i KNOWWW!! i absolutely love it. ALSO I DIDN’T NOTICE HIM EITHER UNTIL NOW BAHAHA)
u're definitely not a loser nara!!!! hm hm... to completely detach comes along different timelines and in different ways for everyone. you did what you had to for yourself at the time, and for your self in the future, and sometimes that comes with pain. it is inevitable in many things. but what matters is that you can change that pain into something else-- love for yourself, love for other people and things in the world, lessons to learn from through your life. i know you will do so, it just takes time. be patient with yourself~
don't apologize eep!!!!!!!!!!!! >:( you made this space for yourself, you are allowed to exist in any and all forms you want to here. and don't be ashamed for wanting to talk to someone in light of these feelings, you deserve space and patience to be heard. really, it's an honor to be trusted in such a way... and it's only fair, as you're a deeply supportive and dedicated friend too!!!!!!!!! >:0
luv u too nara!!!!!!!! eep :D i hope today is kinder to u and u have lots of fun things ahead this week.
thank u so so much eugene!!! you are always so supportive and know exactly what to say :,D i try to view my choice to separate as the right decision, bc i knew there was a very low chance of things improving if i stayed where i was. i have learned a lot about myself since that relationship, so i just hope i can become a better person for someone else.
ur righttt, i think i was just quite hesitant if i should say anything. it's really great having people around to talk with. keeping those feelings in would not have done me much good, so i'm very thankful that you are here!!
THANK UUU!!! i hope ur week is absolutely amazing, eugene. <333
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